Thursday, September 20, 2007

Some perspective


Sometimes there's nothing like a little perspective to straighten things out. Perspective is that magic pill we pop when the seemingly insufferable mechanisms of the world drill an un-lubed middle finger up our clenched sphincter. Perspective allows to say, "Hey, at least it wasn't smoldering metal spike."

As a Red Sox fan, right now, I need some perspective. Fpr example, I don't live in Dafur or Baghdad. I'm going to a wedding on Saturday, and I'm pretty sure O.J. won't come barging into my hotel room waving a gun. So The Red Sox have played like a bunch of 8 year-old girls forced onto the field by their parents while sitting on tickets to a Hannah Montana concert. So what? It could be worse, right?

So I've watched my hometown team cough up a 14 and 1/2 game lead over a team that fills my mouth with bile each time I see a pinstripe. I've watched a handful of overpaid, avaricious assholes sit on the bench after being cleared to play, dog out plays on ground balls (something you get benched for doing in Little League) and demonstrate complete complacency with coming in second. I had a football coach who once said, "Coming in second is like kissing your sister; you get nothing out of it." There's some perspective.

So I've put off my work, my studies, my life, to follow these fucktards for the past five and a half months. So what? It's not like I've been kept awake in Guantanamo Bay with loud music and halogen lights 24/7 during this period. It could be worse.

I'm not going to say anything that hasn't already been said on talk radio or the New England sports columns. The Red Sox are shameful. Sure, they might still take The Wild Card, although in my opinion, there's about as much chance of them going to The Series as there is of Bush pulling our troops out of Iraq. The point is that they've been humiliating to watch and don't even seem to care about their colossal collapse (minus Youk, Beckett, Paps, Lowell, and the new breed of young pups). Watching The Red Sox this past month has been like watching a grossly obese person chow down on a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey. You just want to shake them and scream, "What the hell is the matter with you!" But, then again, nothing short of the aforementioned smoldering spike will wake up Terry Francoma.
Again, it could be worse.

So to my fellow Red Sox fans (if either of the two of you who read this blog might happen to be a Red Sox fan), let me offer you some perspective: We still have air to breath (until we destroy our environment through global warming); the world isn't coming to an end (until Iran builds a nuclear weapon while the US remains mired watching over a civil war in Iraq), and, more importantly, we still have beer.

So screw perspective. Drink up. This round is on me.

6 comments:

Alfonso Sorianoski said...

There's always room on the Cubbies bandwagon, brother.

Nate Graziano said...

Giving up the Sox to root for the Cubs? Isn't that a little like quitting drinking and picking up heroin? Part of the joy of being a Sox/Cub fan is that it gives you a reason to be perpetually grumpy and pissed at the world. Alfonso, I have a friend named Karl you should get in touch with.

Ben said...

your legion of followers have overloaded the npr live audio stream...

Anonymous said...

Graziano fans are known to be a rowdy and mischievous bunch. I have no control of them. They solely seek to hear their leader.

The Mistress said...

With the Sox in the Series and ahead by three games, I feel like one of two things os going to happen: they'll either break my heart majestically and theatrically in seven games, choking Yankees-style (and wouldn't that feel good, to be back in the losers box, where we're comfortable), or they'll win it, in which case, I'm tempted to ask for world peace for Christmas, because it would seem as if anything is possible.

Nate Graziano said...

I'm probably going to end up choking to death of this, but I'm taking the next step and going out to buy a bottle of champagne this afternoon. If the Sox blow their three-game lead, I'm going to throw myself in on-coming traffic. Having to listen to Yankee fans blabber, watch their sick, stupid grinning, bring up their standby: "How many World Series have the Red Sox won now?" It's too much fathom. Here comes that bus. Anyway, in a sign of solidarity, buy a bottle of champagne yourself. I have a hunch about tonight.