Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Call me Herod

Call me Herod because I want someone’s head on a platter, namely Tito Francoma’s.

If it’s not apparent to non-Red Sox fans, let me begin with a simple lesson on our mentality: When the Sox lose, we need a goat. Bill Buckner. Grady Little. Bob Stanley. Mike Torez. Now I’m not going to be audacious enough to compare this ALCS with some of the team’s monumental and historical collapses—the 1978 season, 1986 World Series, or the 2003 ALCS—but if I’m going to make it through the winter, I need someone to scourge.

Okay, so let’s start with one of baseball’s most tried and true platitudes: The post-season is all about pitching. Obviously. But if I have to sit back while the Fox commentators give Jake Westbrook or Paul Byrd another blowjob, I’m going to start launching plates at the wall. These two guys pitched decently, fair enough, but it certainly helps when you have Nancy Drew (who, by the way, hasn’t hit the ball all year and plays the game with the enthusiasm of belly lint), Julio Lugo, and Coc(O for 4) Crisp’s bats in the line-up. Please, dear God, someone explain to me WHY THE FUCK Francoma continues to put these human stains in the starting line-up? Is he afraid of hurting their fucking feelings? You might ask, what would I do differently? Answer: Jacoby Ellsbury, Alex Cora, and Bobby Keilty. Could they be any worse than these other slugs?

And, while we’re at it, why wasn’t Josh Beckett starting last night’s “must win” game and positioning himself to start a potential Game 7? Unless he’s hurt (which we’ll find out tomorrow night), this seems utterly preposterous to me. How could you not know, as much as I like Tim Wakefield, that he wasn't going to eventually toss an inning of batting practice and take them out of the game? Seriously, Francoma’s proctologist is going to have his hands full this winter removing Tito’s head from his ass.

To add insult, these annoying Pink Hat fans who started following the Sox after Game 3 of 2004 World Series keep coming up to me and passing their irritating little farts of optimism like, “It’s not over yet. They can still come back.” Bullshit. They’re the goddamn Red Sox and they’ll always be the goddamn Red Sox. Let’s get it straight: The 2004 Red Sox were an anomaly—a group of guys with so much heart and soul that they played, perhaps, above their talent. The 2007 team is the opposite. They have a bloated bankroll, and guys like J.D. “Where do I sign for my check?” Drew making almost $15 million a year. Fuck him! God, I get so worked up.

In the end, and for most of life, it’s been seasons like this where my hopes are lifted—despite what I say on this blog, I really thought this team had a chance—only to be shot down, stomped, sliced into bite-size pieces and thrown into the sewer for the rats to eat.

I like your dancing, Salome. Whose head it is you want?


Anonymous said...

Giving Westbrook a blow job as opposed to the massive woody the sports media has had for the mediocre-at-best Dice K all year? Let's not forget Westbrook had a better ERA then Dice K, less losses, and "one of the nastiest sinkers in the game" according to Ozzie Guillen. Let's face it, the Indians have to be the most under rated team out there, and they're proving it to everyone.

But I feel your pain, I'm an M's fan myself. Did you see that collapse in September? Wow.


Nate Graziano said...

Not argument. Sox fans seem to have selective amnesia when it comes to him. That's the same guy they spent $100 million just to TALK to, right? I complete bust. But I maintain Westbrook is a slightly above average pitcher. The stats speak for themselves (6-9, 4.32 ERA). Sorry, Brian, those aren't exactly Cy Young numbers. If you want to look at the nastiest sinker in the game, turn to his teammate Fausto Carmona. I don't think Ozzie Guillen has a lot of credibility, given his track record. If Joe Torre or Jim Leyland said it, okay. But Ozzie is a headcase.

The Mets were pathetic. As a Sox fan, it made us start twitching. Watching it was like a bad acid flashback.

Anonymous said...

My favorite comment from Sox fans about Dice-K: "He has so much potential" as if there was a player in MLB who was just accidently called up by mistake and no one has the heart to tell him he sucks.

And by M's I meant Mariners, not Mets, thank God. That collapse was by far the worst I've ever seen in my short baseball watching life.

I don't think Westbrook is great, but I think he's good, and I think Bird is too. I guess the point I was making is that I think Indian's four is a lot more solid then people give them credit for. You have to figure Westbrook and Byrd are on par with Dice-K, but Dice-K is the Sox #2 guy. I think that's a huge difference.


Nate Graziano said...

Agreed. Dice-K looked ready to commit hari-kari after his last start. I thought he was going to pull a samari sword from his locker and plunge it through his own chest. He has been mediocre, and unless he learns to control all his pitches, he's always going to be mediocre. But, you're right, the same could be said for any player: "If Doug Mirabelli could learn to stop striking out, looking like a doofus, and driving the ball each time he bats, he's going to be a great hitter."

Cleveland is a good team and so far, they've flat out played better baseball than The Red Sox and The Yankees. However, I can't see anyone stopping The Rockies right now.

I'll watch the game tonight. But I'm not going to like it.

Anonymous said...

steven colbert 2008
This could be epic!


Anonymous said...

the sox suck....

Anonymous said...

so do hippie poets