Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Great Debate

Admittedly, in these blog entries, I tend to tread in irreverent, sophomoric, and, sometimes, crass waters. Every now and then, however, it is incumbent upon the imaginary sportswriter to confront serious topics that explore not only the sports we cover, but the shadows they cast as both metaphor and microcosm of our shared human condition. Now, my friends, I'm about to step up to the plate (metaphor) and delve head first into a topic that not only affects baseball but humanity at large (microcosm).

That topic is the goatee.

This morning, after showering, in an impetuous fit of fancy, I decided to shave my goatee. Some of you may not see this as an issue of such colossal importance, and you might, I surmise, consider a bit of flaming fucking retard for treating it as such; however, please allow me to explain. I have kept a goatee since my mid-twenties, when I was a strapping young buck capable of anything, and with little exception, I have not messed with it. Hell, I'm a straight American male who likes beer and sports and porno: Why wouldn't I have a goatee? Then I heard on an episode of The Daily Show about six months ago that goatees have become a passe, so after six months of deliberation, anguish and sleeplessness, this morning I shaved.

(If you haven't guessed, I'm also a bit of a neurotic.)

However, since shaving, as I've been scratching my beardless chin, I've realized that baseball players have all sorts of goatees and facial-hair growths---unless, of course, they play for the Yankees, and if they play for the Yankees, the safe bet is they have no soul. So how can goatees be passe if some of our greatest American athletes continue to sport them? On the Sox alone, Kevin Youkilis, Mike Lowell, JD Drew, Jason Varitek, and Tim Wakefield have goatees consistently, and others flirt with them from time to time. Was the idea that goatees are passe an apocryphal one? If this is the case, should I grow mine back? My wife says yes.

So I submit it to you, my 12 readers: What are your opinions on the goatee? Let's get some dialogue going on this imperative topic. It's the All-Star break, so we have some time to discuss these pressing matters. I'm also posting a picture of my post-facial hair ugly mug for your examination. Do you agree with my wife? Should I grow back the goatee? Do you or does someone you love (or fuck) have a goatee? What are your thoughts? Post them right in the comments section.

Godspeed, my friends, and just a reminder, the Sox are up three games going into the second half.


Richard said...

Grow it back Nate... you need all the help help you can garner.

Matt said...

keep it off and shave it all!
The youth look is good..

How about some more commentary about the sox!


Lugo finaly getting the boot!
Do we need Halliday?
Will Buchholz ever pan out?
Odds on Sox sweeping yanks for all series this season??!!! 2-1?

Nate Graziano said...

It was the All-Star break. I had to kill some time. However, to address those things, in order:

1. Good riddance, Julio. It didn't work out.
2. No need for Halliday. The Sox will have to give up too many prospects for him, and good prospects, two of the three B's is my guess--Bowdoin, Bucholtz, Bard--and then some. Beckett and Lester will be around for awhile; hopefully, Dice-K gets his head out of his ass, and they have all of these prospects to make them viable contenders for the next 10 years. The only reason to pull the trigger on a Halliday deal would be to keep Doc out of pinstripes, which is also impropable.
3. We'll see what happens tonight with Bucholtz. I am very curious to see.
4. Chances of an 18-game sweep of the Spank-boys: 500-1. Doubtful.

Join my blog, Matt. It only takes a second and makes me giddy.

Ben said...

I'd grow one if I could.

I say experiment.

Give all the facial hair possibilities a shot.

Nate Graziano said...

Realize, Ben, this whole topic is purely academic because, in the end, the wife always wins. Let me repeat that: the wife ALWAYS wins.