Friday, August 26, 2011

Top 10 Hurricane Songs for Douches

While the Red Sox rolled over Texas these past three nights, swinging perhaps the hottest bats of the season, and Wakefield is going for his 200th win in Fenway tonight against an Oakland team that gave up 22 runs (that's not a typo) against the loathsome Spank-jobs yesterday, all this good baseball news is being railroaded by this god-forsaken hurricane business.

As the fear-mongers in the media are already busy beating their drums, telling people to strap themselves to their beds like the girl in The Exorcist and buy out the stocks of bottled water at BJ's wholesale store---seeing my emotional age is roughly 14, I couldn't resist the BJ's reference---you're also starting to see Facebook users posting links to songs that reference hurricanes and storms. Please, folks, resist the urge. By posting any of the following ten songs, you are stamping your own "I'm a douche" certificate.

I posted this earlier today on Facebook and need to credit the people who came up with some of these titles. So without further adieu, here are The Top 10 Hurricane Songs that will assure you're a douche if you play or post them anytime in the next three days.

10. "Come Monday" by Jimmy Buffett. Given the timeline of the storm, and Buffett's ties to all things nautical, you're not only a douche, but an ass-hat for this one.

9. "Riders in the Storm" by The Doors. Jim Morrison gets my vote for one of the biggest DB's in rock and roll history, and if you think you're creating a storm-worthy ambiance with that cryptic little keyboard riff in the beginning, you're beyond my help.

8. "Against the Wind" by Bob Seger. Listen, Forrest Gump owns that song, so unless you're Forrest Gump or Bubba the shrimp guy, please, don't do it. (Diane Morin)

7. "Have You Ever Seen the Rain" or "Who'll Stop the Rain" by CCR. The answers to these questions are, respectively, "Yes" and "I have no clue." Listen, we're all well-aware that it's raining. It's a fucking hurricane!

6. "Come on Eileen" by Dexys Midnight Runners (changing "Eileen" or "Irene"). This is so douchey, I'm apprehensive to even address it. Listen, if my name was Eileen and you decided to interchangeably call me Irene, I'd fart on your head. (Dave Pichette)

5. "Storm Front" by Billy Joel. Shame on you if you're familiar with this crappy song. Shame on me for being familiar with this crappy song, which was the crappy title track to a crappy album I once owned. Uh-oh, I think I just douched myself.

4. "The Rain Song" or "Fool in the Rain" by Led Zeppelin. If you have to use a hurricane as an excuse to get your "led" out, you're a douche. Non-douches will rock out to Led Zeppelin anytime, anywhere.

3. "Hurricane" by Bob Dylan. If you're posting this song as a witty musical retort to Mother Nature, you clearly never listened to any of the lyrics, and there are about 36,000 words in this beast, and it's not about the weather.

2. "Like a Hurricane" by Neil Young. Whether it's the rock-your-balls-off electric version or the sweet unplugged version Neil plays on the pipe organ, you're cheapening the song by tethering it to weather. Granted, it's not Neil's best simile, but this song kicks ass, so don't ruin it by being a douche.

1. "Rock You Like a Hurricane" by The Scorpions. Seriously, isn't this one pretty self-explanatory?

Does anyone else have songs that I might be missing? Post them in the comments section.

1 comment:

ctredsoxfan said...

If you don't mind going back to 1979 ELO had a whole side of an album about rain. "Out of the Blue" side 3 is called "Concerto for a rainy day" and includes some great tunes including "Standin in the rain", "Summer and Lightning" and "Mr. Blue Sky"