Sunday, May 17, 2009

Nick Green the Dick Machine

How, oh, how did things that were once so good get so very bad? Was it not a week ago today that The Red Sox took it to Tampa with an eighth-inning rally, the Bruins wiped up Carolina in their backyard, and Big Baby Davis sunk a buzzer-beater to tie the series with the Magic? Here we are, a week later, and The Bruins are eliminated, The Celtics are losing bad in the first quarter, and The Sox just dropped a second straight series on The West Coast. Who, you may ask, other than some cruel God hellbent on afflicting terrible cosmic pain on New England sports fans could be responsible such malicious torment?

I, however, have an answer far more mundane.

That answer: Nick Green.

Yes, I realize that I recently went off on Julio Lugo, and for that, I am still unapologetic. However, after Nick Green's throwing era in the ninth-inning today that cost the Sox the game and the series against the Mariners, I am now blaming Nick Green for everything that has happened. Ever. The Bruins losing Game 7 in overtime? Green's fault. And if the Celtics lose tonight, you can thank Nick Green. The Holocaust? That was Nick Green's fault, too.

Let's not forget, folks, he was once a Yankee.

Listen, I don't have a life, so when the Red Sox lose because some pud-pulling ex-Yankee who looks like an android can't make a routine throw to first, I am personally and spiritually affected. Why, oh, why the hell did The Red Sox ever let Orlando Cabrera go? Theo, you should've looked into your crystal ball and seen the palsy twins, Green and Lugo, five years in the future. For making such a mess of the shortstop position and, by extension, my life, I fart in your general direction, Theo. You break my heart.

And Nick Green, you, sir, are a stinking bag of dog shit on the doorstep of fortune. You may think you're fooling everyone into thinking you're not a clandestine operative for The Evil Empire, but not this imaginary sportswriter. And now, sir, the three people who read this blog know, too. Consider yourself outed, asshole.

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