Sunday, March 14, 2010

Open Letter to Nomar

Dear Nomar/No-mah/Nomie/Quitter/Cry Baby,

I greet you on this most joyous of days, not to celebrate your dog-and-pony show retirement party, but rather to raise a toast to today's occasion. Yes. Steak and BJ Day. Someone should order you a steak, Nomie, because you already received the other half from the Sox ownership this week. Larry and The Crypt Keeper and Boy-Theo and the rest of the brass, each of them got in a few good licks. In fact, between your water works show at the plate last July when you returned to Fenway and this week's sham, a good portion of Red Sox Nation---The Pink Hats and fans with selective amnesia---all of them kneeled down to honor you.

Not me, buddy. Since that night at the old Yankee Stadium in 2004 when Jeter jumped into the crowd in extra innings for foul ball, while you sat on the bench pouting about your contract, you've been dead to me.

Listen, Nomie, you would've been hard-pressed during your time in Boston to find a fan who worshipped your playing more than I did. For God's sake, I wanted to name my first-born Nomar (luckily, she was a girl, and my wife would've never gone for it anyway). But the way you left town-- and let's not forget this, buddy---was ignominious, pathetic, and ultimately made you look like nothing more than another overpaid, gluttonous glorified grubber. And let's face the facts here, No-mah: by that point, you were already damaged goods, and, boy, it was a lot more fun to watch Orlando Cabrera play ball than to watch you exercise your bottom lip, you fucking baby.

This week, we watched your little play at spring training: sign a contract for 15 hours, put on a jersey, and then retire as a Red Sox. It was all very tender and touching, as tender and touching as a prostate exam. What a load of shit! This is the type of thing that makes me disgusted to be a Red Sox fan. They should have handed out Pink Hats for the ceremony, blasted "Sweet Caroline" through the PA system, and had Rem-Dawg's cater the festivities with $12 hot dogs and $8 thimbles of Bud Light. I'm not sure who you thought you were fooling, or if you were just doing some PR before starting your new gig at ESPN.

And good with that analyst job, Nomar. I can't wait to hear your insight when it comes to players quitting on their team mid-season because they're not happy with their contracts. Maybe they can get Manny in the studio to help you. Actually, Manny might be fun.

You, Nomar, can go celebrate this day with yourself. Thanks for nothing, you fraud.


The Thinking Half of Red Sox Nation


Jon Konrath said...

Well, I guess one small consolation for being the fan of a small-market team that isn't one of the only two teams on SportsCenter 99.97% of the time is we don't have the whole "I want to retire in a Colorado jersey" one-day contract phenomenon going on.

Nate Graziano said...

Nomar wants to start doing commercials in New England again. There's good money in it, and as we all know, that's the bottom line.

Anonymous said...

I've tried to convince my Sox fan friends for years that Nomar was clearly on roids during his best years, and this has mostly been met with, "Brian, shut your mouth, Nomah never cheated!" Obviously, you seem to be a lot more level headed then the typical pink hatter, so I ask, what do you think? I honestly am surprised every time a roid leak comes out and I don't hear his name. He remains in my mind number one candidate for guy who probably did steroids.


Nate Graziano said...

There's not a doubt in my mind he was on the roids, Brian. That SI cover in comparison to his rookie year pictures could hold up in court. One of the guys in The Mitchell Committee, a guy from Maine, also had investments with the Sox, so a lot of these guys---Nomar, Manny, Papi, maybe Trot---got passes. But, yes, I suspect many of those guys, especially Nomah, were on the juice.