Google search: "nathan graziano"

There is a fantastic article in the new Poets and Writers by Frank Bures titled "I Google myself, therefore I am." As someone who Googles his own name on a daily basis, this one really hit home and, in some sad and ridiculous sense, gave me comfort in knowingly that I am not the only one with this solipsistic obsession. There are, in fact, many people as self-absorbed and painstakingly insecure as myself.

However, seeing Mr. Bures must have been writing with a strict word count, I'd like to pick up on a few things he missed, more minutiae that I believe are deserving of mention and/or clarification.

1. Quotation marks. When Googling my own name, it's not a one-time, buckshot search. I actually Google my name twice: first, with quotation marks around the name, then without them. Although the searches net mostly the same results, the first search is more specific, meaning it will give me the results of the hits that have "nathan" followed by "graziano." The second, broader search can pick up things that might have the words "nathan" and "graziano" in close proximity. The broader search sometimes gives you results that the specific search won't show, but it's a far more time consuming and laborious search because the number of pages to comb through is nearly infinite. But one who is consumed with validating their existence and worth through a search engine cannot afford to be slipshod.

2. Variations of my first name. Although I publish under Nathan Graziano, my colleagues, friends, and family call me Nate. Therefore, a search under simply "nathan graziano" might not show me places--- such as friends' websites or blogs--- where I'm being mentioned as Nate Graziano. Now, you might be asking yourself, "Wouldn't the broader search without the quotation marks show the hits for "nate graziano." Sometimes. But when Googling your name, you can never be too circumspect.

3. Family. If I have the time, say another 10 minutes during my lunch break, I will search the names of my wife and kids plus my own (for example: "paige graziano+nathan graziano") to see what type of profound role I play in their cyber-lives. It's important to remember, as Mr. Bures so poignantly writes, that this whole thing is an existentially vacuous endeavor. It is something that only someone who is egotistical and paranoid would do think of doing on a daily basis. So it seems perfectly plausible that someone who is obsessed with Googling their name would want the added vainglorious praise of seeing how those close to them are affected by their internet presence as well.

All of this talk has whetted my appetite. It's time to do the deed...

This is better than the original

Admittedly, the original video toes the line of cheesy--- I was huffing Lysol the day I put it up---but this one offers an even starker comparison of what we're up against. First of all, I don't dislike Hillary; I can live happily with her as our president, although I'd admit disappointment because I see Obama as someone who could make a real difference, someone outside of The Washington vanguarde. But if McCain is elected, I will attempt to strangle myself with my own tongue. I could go outside, right now, and find roadkill that's more inspiring than John McCain. However, on the bright side, he could potentially put a dent in the pharmaceutical industry's pocketbook by rendering all prescription sleeping aides obsolete: Simply listen a McCain State of the Union address and you'll be counting sheep in a wink.

Good lord, if you're from Ohio, Texas or Pennsylvania and reading this, lend a hand and vote Obama.

P.S. All this political shit is going to be taking a backseat soon. Pitchers and catchers reported, some quite corpulently, to camp this week. Go Sox.

Please, God, not Hillary.

Obama tomorrow

I've spent the majority of my life, past and present, worrying solely about myself. Granted, since the birth of my two beautiful children, my solipsism has hit a speed bump, but still, deplorably, I'm still a very selfish man.

Which, paradoxically, leads me to the reason I've been supporting Barack Obama. Listen, there's no big secret that I'm a liberal--- in spite of my solipsism. I've embraced Whitman's lines in "Song of Myself" like a mantra: "I am large/ I contain multitudes." In fact, I've never understood why the pharmaceutical companies producing male-enhancement pills haven't caught on to that one (Answer: most people in this country probably think Walt Whitman invented Wite-Out).

Tomorrow I will cast my vote in the First in the Nation Primary, an event which is ridiculously publicized and highly unfair to voters in the other forty-eight states. But tomorrow I will be voting for Barack Obama, not because I don't believe Hillary or Edwards are capable candidates; I do. It's because I truly believe Obama's message of hope.

Does this make me a sappy sentimentalist without a political clue? Maybe. But "hope", in my mind, is something we all need to embrace. Not just on a political spectrum, but a personal one as well. I don't see many differences in the policies of the democratic candidates; they all believe in the things I believe: get out of Iraq as safely and humanely as possible; every person, regardless of your income, deserves to be treated if you get sick without breaking your bank (education is a public right, why not health care?); it's about time we stop letting the top ten percent of rich son of a bitches get tax breaks while the middle-class buckles at the knees. It goes on and on and on. The past seven years under G.W. Dipshit and his gestapo have been ten times worse than I ever could've imagined. I won't start the litany.

I believe Obama when he calls himself a "hope-monger." Great. I hope the hope-mongering continues. And maybe I'm being naive and short-sighted, a victim of some insidious ploy of propaganda, but tonight, hours before I'll cast my ballot for Barack, I feel at peace. And for the first time in my life, I'm excited about a politician.

Hey, as a Red Sox fan, I learned that sometimes hope is all you have in the face of inevitable doom and defeat. Tomorrow night, I hope my fellow New Hampshirites (at least the ones with souls) will see that message as well.

Tomorrow isn't about me. It's about all of us. Some may call that an epiphany.

To groom, or not to groom

I agree issues like health care, The War in Iraq and the decimation of the middle class in this country are important issues for the candidates coming into New Hampshire, vieing for my vote, to address. However, one issue has been largely ignored and I believe it’s high time the presidential candidates come out and really let us know where they stand on it. This issue is whether or not people should groom their pubic hair.

For years, I’ve been having this conversation with one of my good male friends (I acknowledge this might toe the line of gay) and it seems to be quite a divisive topic. Now to begin with, it’s almost an obligation for females to trim the hedges. In fact, it has become a form of self-expression—some ladies go for the landing strip, the more adventuresome might groom little hearts or Rorschach test patterns, and ladies who really want to send a message shave it baby’s ass bald. But should women be socially obligated to groom? Of course, you have your rare hunter/mountain man-type of guy that digs diving into a jungle, but I would argue that most men expect some care to be taken to make the downstairs look nice and most women oblige. What would Hillary think?

Then there’s the same issue for men. A lot of guys have turned to the clippers since pornos and the movie American Pie made it fashionable. A number of men who, years ago, viewed their pubic hair with such insouciance it hardly even registered on the radar, with the rare exception of pubic hair jokes, now take their pubes pretty seriously. Many guys will admit they are trying to act as illusionists, trying to make their poles look longer. That’s fine. But I suspect it’s something more to it than that. Is this part of the whole metrosexual-thing that I really hoped was going to be a fad? What would Obama say? How about John Edwards? Does he groom?

And what about you, Mitt Romney? If your hair down there in any way resembles the hair on your head, you really owe us pictures.

You see, folks, you can count on me to get at the real meaty topics. I will be voting in the First-in-the-Nation primaries on Jan. 8. That must make you feel good. At least someone here cares about the issues.

Happy Thanksgiving, America

Try to get this song out your head. I dare you.