I'm invincible!

Maybe, it just me...no, actually, it’s not just me. It's me, millions of voters, the pundits and the politicos from all walks of life that must be starting to notice the striking similarities between Sen. Hillary Clinton and the “invincible” Black Knight from Monty Python and the Quest for The Holy Grail.

At this point, Hillary is wobbling on her last leg, having both arms and her other leg severed by Obama. Perhaps, next she’ll try to bleed on him. With one more swift swipe of the sword (holy alliteration, Batman!) Obama will effectively reduce her to a bloody trunk, at which point, she might call the election “a draw.”

For me, I’m sick and tired of looking at and listening to Hillary. In her speech following the North Carolina and Indiana primaries on Tuesday night, I felt myself becoming simultaneously incensed and deflated by her stubbornness, her Black Knight’s inability to admit she has lost. Apparently, she’s invincible!

And did anyone happen to catch Bill standing behind her, looking oh-so-Botoxed, and clapping at seemingly random parts of her speech. Maybe Bill was hearing: “And when I’m president, I’ll be so damn busy that my husband will have free reign to bang all the fat chicks in the greater-D.C.-area.”

Clap, clap, clap, Seal-Boy.

Hell, Hillary, personally—and maybe Keith Oberman won’t come right out and say this, but I will—I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

There. Take that, Hillary. I just blog-slapped your ass, you Black Knight bee-atch.

Obama tomorrow

I've spent the majority of my life, past and present, worrying solely about myself. Granted, since the birth of my two beautiful children, my solipsism has hit a speed bump, but still, deplorably, I'm still a very selfish man.

Which, paradoxically, leads me to the reason I've been supporting Barack Obama. Listen, there's no big secret that I'm a liberal--- in spite of my solipsism. I've embraced Whitman's lines in "Song of Myself" like a mantra: "I am large/ I contain multitudes." In fact, I've never understood why the pharmaceutical companies producing male-enhancement pills haven't caught on to that one (Answer: most people in this country probably think Walt Whitman invented Wite-Out).

Tomorrow I will cast my vote in the First in the Nation Primary, an event which is ridiculously publicized and highly unfair to voters in the other forty-eight states. But tomorrow I will be voting for Barack Obama, not because I don't believe Hillary or Edwards are capable candidates; I do. It's because I truly believe Obama's message of hope.

Does this make me a sappy sentimentalist without a political clue? Maybe. But "hope", in my mind, is something we all need to embrace. Not just on a political spectrum, but a personal one as well. I don't see many differences in the policies of the democratic candidates; they all believe in the things I believe: get out of Iraq as safely and humanely as possible; every person, regardless of your income, deserves to be treated if you get sick without breaking your bank (education is a public right, why not health care?); it's about time we stop letting the top ten percent of rich son of a bitches get tax breaks while the middle-class buckles at the knees. It goes on and on and on. The past seven years under G.W. Dipshit and his gestapo have been ten times worse than I ever could've imagined. I won't start the litany.

I believe Obama when he calls himself a "hope-monger." Great. I hope the hope-mongering continues. And maybe I'm being naive and short-sighted, a victim of some insidious ploy of propaganda, but tonight, hours before I'll cast my ballot for Barack, I feel at peace. And for the first time in my life, I'm excited about a politician.

Hey, as a Red Sox fan, I learned that sometimes hope is all you have in the face of inevitable doom and defeat. Tomorrow night, I hope my fellow New Hampshirites (at least the ones with souls) will see that message as well.

Tomorrow isn't about me. It's about all of us. Some may call that an epiphany.

To groom, or not to groom

I agree issues like health care, The War in Iraq and the decimation of the middle class in this country are important issues for the candidates coming into New Hampshire, vieing for my vote, to address. However, one issue has been largely ignored and I believe it’s high time the presidential candidates come out and really let us know where they stand on it. This issue is whether or not people should groom their pubic hair.

For years, I’ve been having this conversation with one of my good male friends (I acknowledge this might toe the line of gay) and it seems to be quite a divisive topic. Now to begin with, it’s almost an obligation for females to trim the hedges. In fact, it has become a form of self-expression—some ladies go for the landing strip, the more adventuresome might groom little hearts or Rorschach test patterns, and ladies who really want to send a message shave it baby’s ass bald. But should women be socially obligated to groom? Of course, you have your rare hunter/mountain man-type of guy that digs diving into a jungle, but I would argue that most men expect some care to be taken to make the downstairs look nice and most women oblige. What would Hillary think?

Then there’s the same issue for men. A lot of guys have turned to the clippers since pornos and the movie American Pie made it fashionable. A number of men who, years ago, viewed their pubic hair with such insouciance it hardly even registered on the radar, with the rare exception of pubic hair jokes, now take their pubes pretty seriously. Many guys will admit they are trying to act as illusionists, trying to make their poles look longer. That’s fine. But I suspect it’s something more to it than that. Is this part of the whole metrosexual-thing that I really hoped was going to be a fad? What would Obama say? How about John Edwards? Does he groom?

And what about you, Mitt Romney? If your hair down there in any way resembles the hair on your head, you really owe us pictures.

You see, folks, you can count on me to get at the real meaty topics. I will be voting in the First-in-the-Nation primaries on Jan. 8. That must make you feel good. At least someone here cares about the issues.