Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Ultimate List of Suck-Ass Classic Rock Bands




I have no problem admitting that I listen to Classic Rock radio stations. In fact, if you were to peruse my I-tunes (wow, a wicked white statement) you would find a lumberjack's portion of Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, The Grateful Dead, Bob Dylan, Neil Young and other staples of 70s rock world, as well as some side orders of Billy Squier---no, he's not on this damn list and if you think he should be, then you have an open invitation to lick my ball-bag---The Allman Brothers, CSN&Y, Jimi Hendrix, etc.

Okay, some of you may be wondering why I slipped Billy Squier in there. Again, ball-bag, tongue, lick...

However, there are some bands that have become ubiquitous on Classic Rock stations that make water-boarding seem preferable to having to sit in a car listening to their musical and lyrical diarrhea shart out from the speakers. This list, I realize, is highly subjective, and I invite anyone reading this to feel free to chime in with their dissent.

So here it is: The Ultimate List (every list of anything Classic Rock starts with the words "the ultimate") of Suck-Ass Classic Rock Bands.

10. Bad Company (pictured). Originally, Paul Rodger's group was an orphan that Led Zeppelin's Swan Song label tried to save from suck-dom, but their Jimmy Page knock-off riffs and painfully cheese-filled lyrics are too much for any rational human being to tolerate. Despite the fact that one of my first carnal experiences occurred with the song "Rock Steady" playing in the background, I can find little that is redeemable about this band. However, I have noticed that the word "lunch" can be substituted for word "love" in the title of any of their songs with, perhaps, significant improvement in the content, i.e. "Feel Like Making Lunch," "Ready for Lunch" or "Can't Get Enough of Your Lunch." Did I own 10 from 6 as a teenager? Yes. Yes, I did.

9. The Steve Miller Band. Okay, so who hasn't gotten high at some point in their life while listening to "The Joker"? And, yes, it was oh-so amusing when Homer Simpson did it on The Simpsons. But even if you try to make a case for a few of The Steve Miller Band's songs not sucking the pulp out of a lemon, it is instantly off-set by the song "Abracadabra." And few classic rock songs make my soul hurt quite "Take the Money and Run" or "Fly Like the Eagle"; the latter of which posts a cliche only matched in its lack of imagination by the music itself. If you're between the ages of 16-19 and looking for some decent stoner music, try The Mothers of Invention. As for Stevie "Guitar" Miller...excuse me, I just burped up my dinner.

8. Thin Lizzy. I'm almost hesitant to include this band because they only had one song that I know: "The Boys Are Back In Town." But it's been played so incessantly that I've developed a legitimate hatred for it and its creators. Coming out well before U2 made it onto the scene, it almost seems as if Ireland wanted to the show that they could produce wankers at the same clip as The Brits. They weren't about to sit pat and let their nemesis do all of the sucking, so they conceived Thin Lizzy, a band whose stupid name is almost as bad as their music. I said "almost."

Coming soon: #7-4 on The Ultimate List of Suck-Ass Classic Rock Bands. In the meantime, try to get some sleep.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good choices, and not too obvious either. I look forward to seeing the whole list.

And I'll have to agree with you on Frank Zappa and the use of drugs, even though I think calling it stoner music gives most people between the ages of 16-19 the idea that they sound like Sublime. I wish I was kidding. My generation sucks.

-Brian Anderson

Nate Graziano said...

That is disturbing on a number of levels. Sublime, as I see it, gave many, many white kids an excuse to dress and act like "gangstas" while tenuously holding on to their true white identities. Does that make them any less of a tool? No. Absolutely not.

Enjoy the new installment.

Anonymous said...

Thin Lizzy is actually a pretty decent band aside from The Boys Are Back In Town. Illegaly download their live album and you'll see that Phil Lynott is a master songwriter and that Thin Lizzy's pioneering use of Dual Lead Guitars is not only pioneering but also masterfully done.

Brian Anderson's Bastard Child

Nate Graziano said...

You're entirely right to call me out as a charleton. I'm basically fishing for the cheap laugh and trying to upset the roost. I know nothing about Thin Lizzy, other than the fact that their radio songs suck. This is the case for most of these bands, although I truly believe each and every one of them sucks in their own way. But aside from being able to string together EAB and "Smoke on the Water" on the guitar, I know nothing about the technical aspects of music. In fact, I know very little about anything, which is part of what makes me such an asshole.

Cheers to me.

Anonymous said...

Thin lizzies music is good but their lyrics are terrible. I don't think iv ever heard cheesier lyrics, ever. Tv guitarist is amazing especially in black rose. The guitar almost compensates for the lame-ass lyrics, almost. But listen to the rocker and you'll see exactly what I mean. Unfortunately almost all of their songs have dreadful lyrics. If you can past that though, the guitar playing is phenomonal
- Steve

Anonymous said...

Thin Lizzy kicks ass. You're just a pompous idiot. Who cares if lyrics aren't as golden as quotes from religious texts? It's the music that counts and shouldn't be taken so seriously.

Anonymous said...

Why do you suck???

Anonymous said...

Classic rock is sh!t. It's the worst music ever made. It's just as bad as rap. Modern rock and country music are amazingly good, though. Especially country (pre-2010 country, that is. Country from 2010 onwards is terrible... but nowhere near as terrible as classic rock, though.)

Anonymous said...

When someone plays classic rock in the car...

Me: *Opens the door and jumps out in front of moving traffic*

Anonymous said...

List of best to worst music genres:

Country
Classical
Modern rock
Oldies
Pop
Disco
Hip hop
Dubstep
And tied WAAAY at the bottom of the list:
Rap and classic rock (aka the two most objectively horrible music genres ever created)

Anonymous said...

I love how music can transport you to another place and time.

For example, my neighbor is blasting classic rock out loud, so I'm moving to another state to get away from it.

Anonymous said...

I would also do this if someone plays rap in the car.