Monday, May 26, 2008

The Ultimate List of Suck-Asses (4-7)

(Drum roll, please.)

7. Aerosmith (post-rehab). Listen, if you're in a rock and roll band, it's never a good idea to go into rehab. I can't think of a single band whose music didn't suffer because of it. It's best to either overdose or drink yourself to death and leave a rocking legacy (a la Hendrix, Joplin, etc.). Aerosmith is unique in the sense that just continue to suck and suck and suck some more. Prior to rehab, you had a band capable of pulling off a cover of The Yardbird's "Train Kept A 'Rollin" and following it with a jamming version of "Mama Kin." What do we get after they go clean and sober? "Angel" and "Love in an Elevator". At what point, when they were laying down the tracks for "Dude Looks Like A Lady", did they not look at each other, perfectly sober and coherent, and say, "Wow, this song really blows"? Jesus, Mary, Mother of God. Where is their sense of decency? Will someone please give Joe Perry some heroin? And Steven Tyler, you have officially reached "freak of nature" status.

6. Rod Stewart. If Rod Stewart's entire musical career consisted of the song "Maggie May", he would not be on this list. Unfortunately, for all of us involved, he decided to continue recording. I'm not sure I can say anything that would compare with South Park's ribbing of this King of Suck-Ass songs. Tight pants and a British accent does not a rock star make. Fuck off, Rod.

5. Heart. If you happen to be a feminist, please skip ahead to Number 4. I'm going to start this with obligatory disclaimer: I'm not a misogynist, BUT chicks really have no business being the frontMEN in a rock and roll band. Chicks are groupies; they've always been the groupies. THAT is their role. Chicks are blues singers with booming voices, like Joplin, and on rare occasions, bass players (think Talking Heads). But they are NOT the centerpieces of a band that kicks ass and takes names. I don't get. Were Robert Plant, David Bowie and Mick Jagger not sufficiently feminine enough? What made the Wilson sisters want to sully their pretty selves (before becoming blimps) in the business of hard rock? And can someone please explain the song "Barracuda" to me? Heart stands as evidence that you don't need testicles, only a guitar, to suck huge ass.

4. Meatloaf. Ugh. Meatloaf. Really, do I have to say more? When I hear "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights", it goes into extra innings---an infinite, insufferable game of Little League baseball where there are never clean base hits, only error upon excruciating error. Why didn't the game end after The Rocky Horror Picture Show? Please, God, tell me that. Why didn't the bat of Hell just stay there? I don't understand. Meatloaf. Ugh. Meatloaf.


Anonymous said...

A list of kick ass rock n' roll chicks who sang in kick ass bands:

Debbie Harry
Kim Gordon
Kim Deal
Karen O
Jemina Pearl
the chick from Siouxsie and the Banshees and whose name I'm far too lazy to look up for purposes of proving your rant on Heart incorrect.

Besides, you're saying the opening guitar riff to Barracuda doesn't blow your mind every time you hear it? Really? I'm prettu sure Jimmy Page cries himself to sleep knowing it's the only kick ass guitar riff of the 1970's he didn't write.

-Brian Anderson

Nate Graziano said...

I was joking about the whole female thing. I was rabble-rousing to get my wife's goat. It seemed to be the type of asshole-ish thing that only an asshole, namely myself, will find funny.

But I will totally disagree about Heart. I still think they suck, and no, the opening riff doesn't blow my mind. When I hear it, my reaction is: "Uh-oh, Heart is on the radio. Someone change the station before I pull over and start retching."

"Ooooooooooooooooh, Barr-a-CUDA!" What the fuck is that all about?