Sunday, June 1, 2008

And the Winner Is...

So here it is, the top three Classic Rock suck-ass bands according to my own uninformed, bitter, and judgemental opinion.

3. Fleetwood Mack. Already, I've gotten in heated arguments with close friends over what we call "The Fleetwood Mack Issue." And, yes, you Mack-heads are probably lacing up your umbrage gloves from what you consider the sheer audacity of their inclusion in this list. My response to you, in the words of Izzy Stradlin in the Gun 'N Roses classic "It's So Easy": fuck off. First, I have a hard time considering Fleetwood Mack a rock band. Basically, they're the television show Friends with instruments. But what about Rumors, you say? Rumors, according to Rolling Stone, is one of the best albums ever. Big fucking deal. The band paired up and broke up and if I wanted relationship drama I'd go to a Danielle Steele novel. Lindsay Buckingham, a great musician, should have been banging groupies, not the group. And Stevie Nicks, in all her smoking hotness, was NOT worth the headache. Personally, I don't want a chick in a flowing white gown standing in front of a bay window. I want the trash, the leather miniskirts and the stripper pumps and the fishnet stockings and the low-cut blouses with their breasts falling out. And as a rock star, you're entitled to that. Why, dear God, get involved in relationships and write crap-ass songs about it? Fleetwood Mack is the musical equivalent of a chick-flick. In the name of all that is sacred and rocks, in the holy name of Black Sabbath, please spare me the pain of listening to "The Chain" and "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" ever again. Amen.

Note: The ONLY thing keeping The Eagles off this list is Joe Walsh and the fact that The James Gang existed.

2. The Moody Blues. Instead of persevering, allow me to quote this little spoken word poem at the end of "Nights in White Satin":

Impassioned lovers wrestle as one;
Lonely man cries for love and has none.
New mother picks up and suckles her son;
Senior citizens wish they were young.

A new mother "suckles her son"? Could you force a rhyme any harder? Listen, there's nothing wrong with being gay and being in a rock band. Fine. But, for the point of comparison, let's put Rob Halford at one end of the spectrum and The Village People at the other. Where do The Moody Blues fall? Here's something I can guarantee you will never hear passing my lips: "Let's get some beers and crank up The Moody Blues." I don't get them. I don't get their appeal. I don't get their raison d' etre. See? I start writing about them and already I'm using gay-ass terms like raison d' etre. I'm disgusting myself. Between Fleetwood Mack and The Moody Blues, the next thing you know I'm going to start talking about my feelings. As if I have feelings. Why don't I just go downstairs and ask my wife if we can have a heart-to-heart and discuss our relationship, how I can be a better husband, and whether or not her hair looks better back or down on her shoulders? This, my friends, is what happens when you listen to suck-ass bands with pussy-boy lyrics. Not good. No,no, no. Very bad.

1. Foreigner. I'm not sure this is even subjective. This might be a veritable fact. What the hell happened here? What sort of cultural breakdown occurred in the 70s and early-80s that allowed this total lame-ass, turd-sucking shit band to sell millions of albums? At what point did the listening public decide "Hot Blooded" was acceptable for the airwaves? At what point did deejays decide that "Jukebox Hero" should be spinning in the studio? The truly amazing thing about Foreigner was their tenacity at sucking. And it's not like Chicago, who rocked in their early days then fell off the deep end and started cutting tracks for The Karate Kid movies. Foreigner sucked from the start and just steadily kept sucking more and more. "I've Been Waiting For a Girl Like You." Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, anyone who bought the album with that track on it is complicit in this crime against humanity. Mick Jones, shame on you. And Ian McDonald should have been banned from playing in public venues after The King Crimson debacle. And Lou Gramm flat out sucks the big donkey wad. I realize that 99 percent of pop music is simply insufferable, and Foreigner was a pop band. Fine. And people at the time were wearing nut-hugger jeans and denim jackets and this could possibly explain the absence of decency. But why do people continue to play this shite on the radio? Why is this band frequently considered Classic Rock legends? More importantly, why have taken all of this time to compile this list? Seriously. Homeboy needs his head examined.

Note: Anyone who would like to reprint this list, contact me at It's important that we all work together to STOP THE SUCKING.


Nickslive said...

I'm a big Fleetwood Mac fan.... No offence taken... I thought this whole article was hilarious and a fun read! I can appreciate honesty :)

Nate Graziano said...

Thanks a ton. Of course, a lot of this is satire. I don't really think women shouldn't be in rock bands or some of the other outlandish things I say here. I do, however, truly believe that Foreigner is the biggest suck-ass band in Classic Rock, and Steven Tyler freaks me out. But the Fleetwood Mack comments are mostly made to piss off my best friend, a man we'll simply call Cracker.

Anyway, thanks for reading and the kind comments.

Anonymous said...

You're telling me that you beleive if there is a hell, The Chain will be playing non-stop before Hotel California? I think you need to sit down with a pair of head phones and see how far you can actually get into Hotel California before you start jamming pencils into your face.

And c'mon, if every art form and every genre has one masterpeice, Rumors has got to be the magnum opus of incredibly white 70's adult chick rock. Whenever you hear "Go Your Own Way" just think of the studio session that must have contributed to that song. "Hey, Stevie! I just wrote this new song about what a hateful bitch you are and how you're fucking that old burned out balding hippie we call our drummer who used to be in this band when they played blues 1 million years ago. Anyway, in order for me to get out my message of what a skank you are to the world, I'm going to need you to sing a little harmony for me. So let's try this out together, here we go..."

It'll make you giggle a little before you change the radio dial.

-Brian Anderson

Nate Graziano said...

I believe if there is, indeed, a Hell that neither song exists because it's an eternity of "I've Been Waiting For A Girl Like You" again and again and again and again... while you're bound and naked and sweating to a leather love seat next to Lou Gramm who harmonizes with himself. Ugh.

Lindsay Buckingham actually does a pretty kick-ass live track with some sweet guitar licks, but I never cared enough about Fleetwood Mack to grab the name of the tune. Indelible now, embedded in my brain, is a vision of The Clintons clapping their hands on a stage to "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" after Bill's victory in '92. Or was it '96 that he used it as his campaign song? Or both? I think Hillary should use "Why Does It Hurt When I Pee" from Joe's Garage. Think about it. It makes sense.

Anonymous said...

Well now, "pussy-boy lyrics" can sum up a great deal of progressive rock, not just the Moody Blues. What else can you expect from a movement that started with a bunch of Brits, their noses wet with tea, deciding they needed to take something as visceral as rock n' roll and give it "artistic credibility" to the point that it can hang in an art museum through the heavy use of esoteric lyrics and a lot of synth? You've just got to keep believing that hopefully, these crazy Limeys were just kidding and all those 20-minute organ solos were just long tongue-in-cheek ramblings. It's the only way you can listen to Emerson, Lake, and Palmer and not feel like a total jackass. The only problem is that it's still usually painfully boring and not funny at all.

Alternatively, you can just ignore the lyrics all together and choose to only hear the music. Just imagine that the Moody Blues are constantly re-using the lyrics to Spinal Tap's "Sex Farm" in all their songs. Jon Anderson of Yes may truly believe in fairies and little people and all that, but it doesn't stop 'Roundabout' from being awesome.

That's my justification, anyway. I'm going to go listen to some prog rock now... while I tear some phone books in half. And eat raw beef, and have sex. With a woman. Fuck the haters.